Harry Potter and the Startling Strap-on

The big revelation today is that Albus Dumbledore, head master at Hogwash School of witchcraft and wizardry was gay. That doesn’t come as a big surprise but Rowling did tone down the series a bit. The first book was supposed to be “Harry Potter Gets the Sorcerer’s Bone” to be followed by “Harry Potter and the Phantom Teabag”, where our hero Harry wakes up every morning with a mysterious salty taste in his mouth. As we know, both were retitled to make the gayness a bit more subtle.

Albus wasn’t the only gay in the book. While Ginny Weasely and Hermione were know to share a bed in the dark of the night, it was just harmless experimentation, and in fact both were to have been approached to do “Hogwarts’ Girls Gone Wild” with host Danny Bonadouchebag in “The Goblet of Fire”, but that part got edited out. In fact Neville Longbottom was queer as a three dollar bill (like we didn’t see that coming), and Sirius Black was also gay, because as everyone knows, a few years in Azkaban is bound to change your sexual preference. We were led to think McGonagall was a lesbian, but aside from being caught in a lewd act with the Sorting Hat she was about the most sexless old cow you’d ever care to meet.

We were first introduced to Albus’s gayness when in “The Sorcerer’s Stone”, as it came to be called, he asks the ministry of magic’s head queer Cornelius “Packed” Fudge to make Hogwarts a Boys only academy – and the younger the better, as Albus put it. He was always trying to start up a course called “The mystery of the Disappearing sausage", but he was once again thwarted by the editor’s scissors. Even the Wand of Power, wasn’t really the wand that Voldemort wound up with, it was Dumbledore’s pet name for his dick.

Now the tale of Harry Potter is ended and there is no more, leaving with us with the thought that sometimes a wand is just a wand and sometimes it is a …well you get the idea. One final note, if ever visiting Hogwarts and you happen to drop your wallet, just kick it along in front of you – don’t try to pick it up!