New Olympic Sports

Same old stuff every Olympics, some questionably female steroid enhanced East German swimmer leaving a ring around the pool, Gunter grunting as he hefts 2000# over his incredibly small noggin, or some Kenyan running full bore around a track as if he is chasing a bowl of gruel. Boring!!!!!

To spice things up a bit and get people to actually watch the crap on TV, I recommend finding some new sports and making some old one more exciting.

The Marathon

Long and boring. To make it more challenging and shorten things up a bit the runners should have to all run behind 10 Beijing taxis inhaling the exhaust that comes from an untuned engine with none of that emissions crap on it.

The Turd Fling

My brother and I actually came up with this while cleaning up dog shit in the back yard. You need along handled shovel and from there it is like the shot put or hammer toss, only with dog turds in the scoop. Grab the shovel by the end of the handle, swing in it in circles and let the shit fly. You go for distance and accuracy. We could get it on a neighbor’s roof three doors down. There’s just something inspiring about a load of shit arcing gracefully thought the noon sky on its way to visit the neighbors…

Jart Joust

Jarts, for those of you too young to remember, are lawn darts. The real ones had metal points and would stick into the ground. The new liberally motivated ones have some crappy bean bag weight on the end so no one gets hurt. Where’s the fun in that I ask?? Once again my brother and I developed this game – we would stalk each other around the yard and when the right moment came toss a jart. I took one to the chest, and became the first and only casualty in the game. To be honest, the points were rather dull, so you had to really heave ‘em to do any damage. For the Olympics they’d have to be sharpened some. 10 points for a wound, 50 points for a kill, a total of 100 points for the gold.

Baby Seal Beating

Ok, this is somewhat controversial, but that is what the Olympics is all about. If the Greeks would have known about seals, they’d have included this in the first Olympics for sure. The seals are released and the athletes have to club and skin as many as possible in an hour time period. The one with the most pelts wins, though they can pick up points for style… The beauty part of this sport is they could make the Louisville Slugger the official bat of the Olympics – think of the advertising revenues!!

BB Gun Free Style

Yet another game invented by my brother and me. Each athlete gets a BB gun and a tube of BBs. Points are awarded for originality of target, accuracy, amount damage to public property, and distance. My brother would have got fifty points for popping a robin way on the other side of the neighbor’s yard. Dropped it like a bad habit with only a basic Daisy air rifle, most amazing shot I have ever seen. Our freestyle game was ended when mom caught me shooting starlings off the power lines behind the house and took the gun away. There are lots of other things we could do to make the Olympics more fun. Take the mats away from the whussy gymnasts and pole vaulters, putting sharks in the pool with the swimmers, stuff like that. I’ll bet you have some of your own ideas. Someone has to do something because watching the Olympics on TV is about as stimulating as watching bowling on TV. I have to gouge my own eyes out to make it stop.