Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Getting Goosed for X-mas

I find goose a bit on the pricey side at $5/lbs, so here’s a real money saving tip for all you traditionalists who have to have one of these flying shit-factories for X-mas dinner.

Materials List:

Plastic Six-pack holders 1 Butt-load
Feed Corn 2 Lbs
Machete 1
Large Nails 1 Butt-load
Goose Decoy (Optional)

Note: Make sure you get the old fashioned holders without the hippie approved break away rings – these are usually found on your cheaper store Brand “Dr. Doofus” kind of soda pops.

Step 1. Head out to the backyard (or neighborhood park) and scatter the plastic six-pack holders around on the ground. Drive one of the nails in the thick edge of each of the pop holders (otherwise the goose will just fly away with the holder, and while still amusing it won’t put dinner on the table).

Step 2. Scatter the feed corn over the pop holders and set up your decoy. You could get real fancy and get a goose call, but we’re trying to keep the price per pound down.

Step3. Hide and be patient

With any luck a goose (or geese – bonus!) will fly down and become enmeshed in the holders while trying to get their snack on. You may get other birds, which I call “trash birds” that you can just kill and toss in the neighbor’s bushes later. You may also get the occasional duck, another bonus.

Now Mr. Goose is really going to be pissed so you can’t just walk up and take him out of the holder. These are big nasty birds and they can inflict some real damage. A trip to the hospital is going to really drive the cost of your goose dinner through the roof. This is where the machete comes in. You kill two birds with one stone, pun intended, by lopping off the head. You might have to wait a few minutes to for things to calm down, and then you can retrieve your bird. None of the goose is wasted – save the head for some fun with the kids later (See “Bird Flew”).

What about all those feathers? Don’t worry, I call the feathers “nature’s cooking pouch”. Tip: If you toss the goose on the grill to cook the feathers will burn off saving you plucking time. Make sure you stand back from the grill because the smell is really nauseating. With any luck most of it will drift into your neighbor’s yard.

Now for the disclaimer. Some state fish and game departments view this as hunting. I call it “Nature’s Bounty” but they don’t see it that way and take a rather dim view of folks taking geese out of season, and there isn’t a license available for this rather unorthodox method of hunting (yet). There are probably some radical vegan-hippie organizations out there that would wet their pants if they find out about this as well. Bottom line, this is just intended as an amusing article - do not try this at home the chances of them serving goose in at the Federal Pen (these are migratory birds) is slim to none, though your cell mate might be inclined to play stuff the goose with you in the wee hours of the morning.