Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Bird Flew

Lots of fear out there today, but the one that baffles me the most is turekyalfornophobia, or the fear of shoving the bird in the oven, so to speak. I can’t understand what the problem is – the fun part, whacking the head off the turkey has already been taken care as well as the not fun part, plucking. You get a hunk of frozen bird with the sonar signature of a rock from the local Turkey-Mart and off you go. Of course you can still do it the old fashioned way and give your pet gobbler the axe, literally. Then you can turn the severed head into a finger puppet to frighten he occupants of the kid’s table.

No, the turkey in and of itself is not frightening. However, Aunt Marge coming though the door to visit for the holidays, now that’s frightening. I think what may be behind this fear is that either you won’t cook it properly and you’ll poison your party guests (not necessarily a negative in the case of Aunt Marge) or your guests will have to lick the dog’s ass to get the taste of your bungled bird out of their mouth. That or you don’t want the Mother-in-law to realize you are as a big a loser as she thought you were.

Well, don’t worry, you’ll do fine and if not, the garbage disposal needs to eat too. And the Mother-in-law isn’t getting any younger so you may have only a few years to have to listen to the tale of the time you totally screwed Thanksgiving and killed your Aunt Marge with your foul fowl. There’s something to be thankful for while you are doing the River Dance on Marge’s grave directly after the funeral.

How do I thaw my turkey? If you have dogs, no worries. Dog saliva really thaws the bird fast and remember Mythbusters proved that the dogs mouth is cleaner than ours. It also helps tenderize the meat a bit thanks to doggie digestive enzymes. If you don’t have a dog you can just leave it out in the sun on the driveway and it will be thawed by evening (unless you are a Yankee, in which case the bird will actually freeze even harder – my advice, get a dog). Once thawed crank that oven – you’ll be amazed how high you can get it – just to the verge of turning the steel in the stove into a silly little molten puddle on your kitchen floor. Next to just hitting it with a flamethrower this is the quickest way to get the bird done. Oh sure it will be dry as a popcorn fart and taste like that stuff that stuck to the bottom of your shoe walking out fo the bathroom at the local theater, but is is only Aunt Marge and the In-laws, so screw ‘em.

Anyway, have a great Thanksgiving and don’t worry, the coroner is on standby.