Wednesday, November 16, 2005

An Evil Marsupial

Let’s reflect upon one of nature’s most misunderstood wonders, shall we?? Little is known of the wombat – difficult to catch, crafty, fast, and deadly, yes, deadly. Here is the definition I stole from Encarta on-line:

wom·bat [ wóm bàt ] (plural wom·bats)
Definitions: small Australian marsupial: a burrowing marsupial that is short, robust, covered in dense wiry hair, and has a stumpy tail and wide blunt snout. Native to: Australia. Latin name Vombatus ursinusLasiorhinus

Shows you what they know. Marlin Perkins the great naturalist from Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom was actually killed by a wombat. This was covered up by Jim (his inept assistant) who was off attempting sexual congress with a python at the time. See, Jim was supposed to keep an eye on the old coot and do all the dangerous stuff, though one has to admit practicing his night moves with a 40 foot snake is pretty dangerous. Anyway, I digress; we are after all discussing the sly, cunning, vicious wombatus terriblesRalph. It was named after Ralph Crockbait the famous Aussie naturalist upon discovery of his remains outside the den of a wombat. They inhabit caves, hence the phrase children use on the potty, “The wombat is having trouble coming out of his cave” meaning the child is constipated. There is also a potty problem called “prairie dogging”, which we will explore during the discussion of that foul creature.

The wombat is indeed a dangerous animal. Oh sure, they all look cuddly. That allows them to approach closely to their intended victim. “Oh how cute” are many a victim’s last words - words that make a really lousy epitaph. None of the wombat’s victim is wasted. Any parts that can’t be eaten by the crazed wombat are used to decorate his cave, which in turn attracts female wombats, and that is the start of many baby wombats. The males have to be quick during mating, otherwise, much like human females lady wombats will eat their mates alive and wind up with custody of the cave and the Ferrari (if wombats could actually drive a Ferrari would be their auto of choice).

As far as wiping them out (and they should be) the best method is to attack them shortly after mating when the male can be seen lolling on the ground smoking a cigarette, after he has put some distance between him and the ravening female, that is. The Louisville Slugger is the preferred weapon, making its debut as the official bat of the Olympics in the seal beating demonstration sport event. Whackity-whack, don’t talk back and you have one mutilated wombat pelt. PETA will be happy to note that no one in their right mind would make a fur coat out of wombat owing to the foul stench that won’t come out. Even engine degreaser has no effect.

Hope this enlightens the gentle reader as to the voracity of the nasty wombat. Head down to the local Wal-Mart, pick your way through the permanent family reunion that always seems to be going on right in the middle of the frikkin’ entry way, and get yourself a slugger. Real men use wood and disdain aluminum. Then it is off to the wilds and whack yourself a ‘bat. It’ll make you feel so much better and rid the world of an evil menace…