The Unwanted

One would think the phonebook would have gone out with fire call boxes and disco balls, but apparently they have managed to somehow hang on. Every couple of months I get a phone book from one of several telecom entities, the problem is what to do with it. I no longer need it to look up numbers, the pages are too small to use for starting charcoal, and since the invention of toilet paper, even that use is not an option.

The latest phone book is in English and Spanish, just in case I wake up one morning with the ability to speak Spanish. As with instructions in many languages the Spanish option just makes the book more confusing, a remarkable accomplishment seeing that it is just a phone book. It will go nicely with all the Spanish TV stations I get in my cable package though. Despite the attempt at reaching a new market, most folks have access to a computer or know the number of the person they are calling in the first place. Plus a cell phone addict isn’t going to schlep tow pounds of paper with them so they can make calls. Think texting while driving is bad? How about looking numbers up in a phone book while behind the wheel?

All that aside, the problem is what to do with the devil be damned collection. I suppose they make nice ballast for the garbage can and help keep it from tipping over during high winds and coyote forays, but beyond that they seem a patent waste of time, resources, and the effort expended bring them form the end of the driveway into the house. I did try just pitching it into my neighbor’s driveway, but they never pick anything up so eventually the book creeps back into my yard, as though it has a life of its own and wants to live with me. I didn’t even leave out a saucer of milk so it isn’t as if I have been encouraging the thing.

I do know they make lousy backstops for basement shooting range; a .22 caliber bullet passes right through five of them and still ricochets around the back room. While that is kind of exciting in its own way, it isn’t the result that was expected. Maybe they could be used instead of sand bags in case of a flood or to soak up oil. They do seem highly absorbent, but then there’s the problem of what to do with a big stack of wet oily phone books. They are bad enough when they are dry. Making a phone book sculpture in the front yard just brings down the wrath of the homeowners association (I thought it was very artsy, but then that is n the eye of the beholder I guess).

So now off to the garage top contemplate my stack o’ books and try to find a creative (and non-offensive) way to put them to good use. Or I could look up the number of some company that recycles phone books…