Phos's Cykik Korner

I've been accused of being a psycho, but a little known fact is that I am psychic. To prove this I am boldly putting forth my predictions for '09. Will they come true? Will Phos find his place in history beside Nostradamus? Only time will tell. Here's what my Magic Eightball and I came up with:

Phos’s Predictions for 2009

- By the mid point of Obama’s term he will become a three pack a day man and be censured for handing out cartons of presidential cigarettes to a touring group of school kids

- Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich will survive the impeachment trial and serve several more months before being eaten by his own hair.

- Burris will be seated in the Senate as the junior senator from Illinois and do absolutely nothing. Despite his lackluster performance the people of Illinois will elect him to a second term in order to keep an African American in the senate.

- George Bush will be gored by one of his own steers enraged by tainted NAFTA beef imports. Bush will survive only to be diagnosed as delusional and will die five years later firmly convinced he is George Washington.

- Aging rocker Mick Jagger will end all his concerts by spraying the crowd with the contents of his colostomy bag.

- Daylight Savings time will be extended to the point where it is always 9 A.M. in Great Falls, Montana

- AZ Senator John McCain will introduce legislation to install revolving doors in the new fence along the Mexican border

- To save the ailing economy, the government will issue the entire middle class shovels and tell them to start digging and pay them in surplus cheese

- The entire state of California will go into foreclosure and be returned to Spain. Arnold Schwarzenegger will go back to making crappy movies in the vein of Indiana “Geriatric” Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

- Nancy Pelosi will profess her forbidden love and quit the senate to wed Oprah Winfrey. Oprah will give up on weight loss and take advantage of her size to sell advertising space on her backside.

- Ted Kennedy will live ten more years and continue on in the senate doing nothing but being a Kennedy.

- Caroline Kennedy will be selected for Clinton’s vacated senate seat and celebrate by flogging her entire domestic staff. She will serve six years and her carbon footprint will increase by 60% because of her continuous open mouth breathing and renowned flatulence

- Republican Ex-Sen. Larry Craig will be admitted to a Boise hospital with a severely dislocated shoulder caused by an unfortunate reach-around accident. He will go to his grave claiming to be straight, though an autopsy will reveal a strange assortment of foreign objects lodged in his rectum, including a coke bottle, two gerbil tails, an Idaho license plate, and three Idaho potatoes

- The US will withdraw completely from Iraq, but the country will still be the complete shithole it was before the US showed up. They will then plus up the troops in Afcrapistan, put up a banner claiming “Mission Accomplished” and depart, leaving it the same shithole it was before they got there.

- The FDA will approve Melamine milk and imports of Chinese baby formula will soar

- Arizona will remain the most ignorant state in the Union, trailing Mississippi by 50 points

- In order to save the US Dollar from freefall the Treasury Department will back each dollar with surplus government cheese creating the “Cheese Standard.”

- The last American jobs will be outsourced to Uzbekistan

- In an effort to increase mileage and lower emissions while combating the problem of obesity in America GM will come out with a car based on the one used by Fred in “The Flintsones” cartoon

-Jimmy Carter will be accidentally added to the Smithsonian’s Egypt collection after being mistaken for a mummy

- Elvis will make a brief appearance in public and then they’ll rebury him

- Europe will be annexed by Saudi Arabia bringing 731 million new Islamists into the fold

- Palestine will quit firing rockets at Israel and use them to start a space program forming the Palestinian National Institute of Space , or PNIS