Ambling Down Memory Lane

I strongly caution all readers that the article below is not for the faint of heart or squeamish and involves industrial pastry abuse.

Talking with my brother a couple weeks ago I was reminded of some of our more twisted escapades, particularly the one that resulted in me never again being able to look at Hostess bakery products without laughing. He made an abortive attempt at baking a Chocolate Lamb Cake (a cake made to look like a lamb, not made out of lamb) for Easter where a large hunk of lamb became detached. The hunk was roughly in the shape of a Paul Bunyanesque Suzy Q, so with a little frosting in between my brother was in business.

First we have to have some background here – especially for you Commonwealther’s and continental types who don’t know a Suzy Q from a HoHo. You probably had Suzy Q’s, but to make their product more popular for the Euro-kinder Hostess probably called them “Choco Kuchen Crumpet Puffs” or something to that affect. Suzy Q’s were simply two oblong layers of devil’s-food cake with a layer of some sort of whipped sweet filling in between. It is generally best not to read the ingredients part of the labels on these things.

Actually, thinking back there probably wasn’t anything listed on the label. In our day you bought the damn food and you ate it and just shut the hell up. You didn’t have little Miss size double-aught worrying how many carbs were in the damn thing or some nutter worrying abut the percentage of rat hairs by volume. There was no freshness date stamp, because freshness wasn’t a problem. They still have the damn things stored in abandoned missile silos in Nevada right next to the government cheese and they are as good as the day they got squirted into their bright little wrappers. Some parts of the “Good Old Days” were good indeed.

Ok, everyone with me – an industrial strength baked treat that came out of a filthy back alley Hostess lab somewhere wrapped in cellophane and placed on store shelves for consumption by unwitting consumers with no regard to their appearance that will still be here after we are all long gone. They were great!!

In this part you have to go backwards to go forward…

My brother and I were often released on our own recognizance, a horrid misjudgment on the parts of out parents. From vandalizing the toy section at the market to impromptu taste testing we were a Grocer’s worst nightmare. Tossing a ball over the Aisles to see if we could get a scream or breaking open a package of plastic toy scissors and trying to cut the package with them ‘til they blew into so much shrapnel, ah yes, there be monsters. The Suzy Q incident happened on a calm Spring day when my brother and I were trolling the local mega-mart in search of amusement.

We came to the Industrial strength pastry shelf and there they were – Suzy Q’s, one pack carefully place in front of the next right to the edge of the display. Suddenly my brother cocks back and punches the stack o’ Qs so they compact down into one huge glob of Susie-mush in the back of the shelf and says “There, now they have room for more”. There were probably about 10 to 12 packages and now there was just a large poof of cream mixed with cake debris and burst cellophane packaging. You might not think much of that one way or the other, but I swear to this day that was about the funniest damn thing I ever saw. Hell, sometimes I’ll just be sitting there, think about it and burst out laughing. Hey, those sudden outbursts get me a seat on the bus all by myself so don’t knock it.

Hopefully if the Hostess people scan Blogs looking for pastry criminals (I am sure my brother is on the most wanted list) we are covered by the statue of limitations on bakery abuse. Oh, and Hostess dudes, just kidding about the filthy back alley lab and rat hairs, I am sure your quality control is right up there with the folks that turn out ground beef. And like all the hostess stuff, including the picture I pirated from their site is covered by copyrights, and all that good stuff. Nanuk has me all kinds of paranoid now. Nanuk, please don't sue me for linking to your intellectual property - hey come on, I gave you credit!!!!!

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