Sunday, December 16, 2007

The True Story of Creation or The Word According to Mr. Greenjeans

Being Christmas and all I thought it was high time someone set the record straight. The following rendition of the creation story may seem farfetched and irreverent to some, but it was graven on golden tablets and given to some schmuck named Joseph Smith by an angel – no shit.

Once upon a time there was only the void and Mr. Greenjeans. Greenjeans grew bored hanging out in the void and reacheth back into his left nostril and plucketh forth an enormous glowing bogey, which he flicketh into the void. Said bogey splattered across the void in billions of glowing bogeylets causing Greenjeans to laugh heartily.

Soon Greenjeans grew bored once more with only glowing nose goblins for company so he searcheth for a planet to fucketh with and casts his eye on earth. The earth was a crusty fragment of dried snot, so Greenjeasn urinateth upon the earth creating the oceans, passed gas upon the planet to create the atmosphere, and looked upon his creation and realized it was still fuck’d upeth. He speaketh the word and enormous creatures appeared and immediately began to fornicate, offending Greenjean’s gentle nature, so with a puff of cigar smoke he blanketed the earth and wipeth them all out. Greenjeans decided to giveth it another shot and being a farmer created a perfect garden, then created Adam to live in it. One day HE noted Adam moping abouteth and asketh what it be like. Adam said he needed a beotch to clean his house, so Greenjeans yanked some flesh from Adam’s backside and created woman, forever after known as “the old pain in the ass.” And Greenjeans looked down upon his creation and was once again offended, for he saw Eve consorting with the evil trouser python and tempting Adam to pick the forbidden cherry of knowledge for betweenst her thighs.

Greenjeans grew wrathful and booted the asses from his garden and sent them to dwelleth in El MIrage, AZ and giveth up on earth, but not before he wrote the Old Tenement. The people of earth receiveth his book and think it sucketh and did edit it in their own image and people swallowed it happily ever after.

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19 Comments:

At 10:01 AM, Blogger Ruela said...

based on historical facts...
you're a good historiographer ;)

 
At 10:57 AM, Blogger Little Lamb said...

Oh dear!

 
At 10:57 AM, Blogger /t. said...

a story
for the ages

you warmeth the cockles
of my heart, phosgenic one

/t.

 
At 1:55 PM, Blogger The Phosgene Kid said...

Always like to do a little religious piece just before the holidays.

 
At 4:35 PM, Blogger wallycrawler said...

Ya I heard that story too.

Except in the version I was told, "Mr. Greenjeans" had an evil brother, "Mr. Whispers" that tempted guys with a magic banana...

 
At 5:21 PM, Blogger The Phosgene Kid said...

WC: Ah yes the forbidden Banana!!

 
At 8:11 PM, Blogger Little Lamb said...

I didn't mean to hurt you in my post. I'll have to think of something to write about you and put it in my blog.

 
At 10:12 PM, Blogger The Phosgene Kid said...

ll: You didn't hurt my feelings LL, no worries. I was just having a spot of fun with you!!! Hope you aren't near Land o' Lakes, FL - heard they had a tornado...

 
At 6:56 AM, Blogger Little Lamb said...

I don't even know where that is. So I'm no where near there.

 
At 4:49 PM, Blogger The Phosgene Kid said...

LL: Good news!! Keep yer head down LL!!

 
At 9:24 PM, Blogger Dan said...

Mr. Greenjeans always creeped me out when I was a kid. But then again, most adults creeped me out back then. Still do actually.

 
At 8:07 AM, Blogger How do we know said...

u wrote this?!!

 
At 12:51 PM, Blogger Chickie said...

How did I miss this story growing up? I might have turned out differently if taught the truth.

 
At 6:28 PM, Blogger nanuk said...

And I had you pegged as a Flying Spaghetti Monsterarian!!

 
At 6:36 PM, Blogger Keshi said...

OMG! :)

Keshi.

 
At 4:01 AM, Blogger SJ said...

No wonder the world stinks at times... BTW your wife reads this?

 
At 4:02 PM, Blogger Kate said...

Gosh...

What to say after that... ummm

Merry Christmas! =]

 
At 5:32 PM, Blogger Ruela said...

MERRY CHRISTMAS

 
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