The True Story of Creation or The Word According to Mr. Greenjeans

Being Christmas and all I thought it was high time someone set the record straight. The following rendition of the creation story may seem farfetched and irreverent to some, but it was graven on golden tablets and given to some schmuck named Joseph Smith by an angel – no shit.

Once upon a time there was only the void and Mr. Greenjeans. Greenjeans grew bored hanging out in the void and reacheth back into his left nostril and plucketh forth an enormous glowing bogey, which he flicketh into the void. Said bogey splattered across the void in billions of glowing bogeylets causing Greenjeans to laugh heartily.

Soon Greenjeans grew bored once more with only glowing nose goblins for company so he searcheth for a planet to fucketh with and casts his eye on earth. The earth was a crusty fragment of dried snot, so Greenjeasn urinateth upon the earth creating the oceans, passed gas upon the planet to create the atmosphere, and looked upon his creation and realized it was still fuck’d upeth. He speaketh the word and enormous creatures appeared and immediately began to fornicate, offending Greenjean’s gentle nature, so with a puff of cigar smoke he blanketed the earth and wipeth them all out. Greenjeans decided to giveth it another shot and being a farmer created a perfect garden, then created Adam to live in it. One day HE noted Adam moping abouteth and asketh what it be like. Adam said he needed a beotch to clean his house, so Greenjeans yanked some flesh from Adam’s backside and created woman, forever after known as “the old pain in the ass.” And Greenjeans looked down upon his creation and was once again offended, for he saw Eve consorting with the evil trouser python and tempting Adam to pick the forbidden cherry of knowledge for betweenst her thighs.

Greenjeans grew wrathful and booted the asses from his garden and sent them to dwelleth in El MIrage, AZ and giveth up on earth, but not before he wrote the Old Tenement. The people of earth receiveth his book and think it sucketh and did edit it in their own image and people swallowed it happily ever after.