Why I am not a Plumber

My wife broke the kitchen faucet; at least she was the last one to see it alive and so began the career of Bob the Plumber. It’s like Bob the Builder, only with more cursing involved.

The space under the kitchen sink is not designed for an old, inflexible fat dude. I knew it was going to be a chore just wedging myself in the cabinet, but I had replaced this faucet once before and didn’t remember it being too bad. The Alzheimer’s Foundation says the memory is the first thing to go and they are right on in this case.

It took me several hours to remove the old faucet. The first hour was spent digging out the garage to the point where I could find the tools. It is hot here in Arizona and the garage is stifling, so before I could clean it I had to turnpower up the little A/C unit I had installed which requires a remote control. The batteries for the remote to the cooling unit were dead, of course. I replaced the batteries and began sifting through the debris looking for the necessary equipment. As I dug through various layers, I prayed no nasties had taken up residence in the pile. I finally found my basin wrench (if there was a god, and I am not saying there is, the basin wrench and the left turn arrow at the intersection would be his most significant gifts to humankind), a crescent wrench, and the clamp light.

The health professionals tell you never put anything larger then you elbow in your ear. It is a big laugh for them because of course it is impossible to put your elbow in your ear, or so I thought. As I twined my arm through the space by drainpipe avoiding the water filtration tank and the garbage disposal, I wound up slapping myself and then sure enough, my elbow became firmly lodged in my ear. That probably accounts for the sever cramp in my shoulder this morning. I was bending in directions humans, particularly old fat humans are not designed to bend. I had to cut one of the feed hoses in order to undo the fitting, but I figured there were feed hoses in the box with the new faucet. This was a big mistake on my part.

I finally horsed the old faucet out of the sink and prepared to install the new faucet. Now you probably saw this coming – there were no new feed hoses in the box with the new faucet. I should have known, working with computers as I do; when you buy a printer, the manufactures never provide the cable you need to lash it up to your PC. The plumbing fixture industry has apparently embraced that cost-cutting tactic whole-heartedly. That was another trip to Lowes.

That is pretty much where we leave the intrepid “Bob the Plumber”. Hopefully tonight will be his finest hour and water will once again run, but hopefully run where it is supposed to be running.

Next: Boating with Bob